OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
