sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
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