Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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