My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I think a kid would responsible me up
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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