theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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