Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
