Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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