I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize