How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
