im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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