how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
