I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
