Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
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