Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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