People with herpes should wear stickers.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
