Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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