Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
