question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
