Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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