So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Randomize
