my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
