Yes. UR adorable in a weird way.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
