I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I puked a lego.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Randomize
