I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize