i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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