did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Idk if I want to put a bra on
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
