Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
