Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
