cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
We'll make it into fun. If I can make wii bowling into a drinking game, I can make studying spanish into a sex game.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
