nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
Randomize
