Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
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