man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
