you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
