Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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