please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
