He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
