its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
