And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
They have beer where we have blood.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
