Swine flu. Run for my life!
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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