Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
