did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize