God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
