Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
