Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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