Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
