how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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