I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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