I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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