Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
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