I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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