yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
