foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
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