i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
