Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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