I REALLY appreciate you guys taking care of me when im wasted but i think its weird when i wake up in different clothes than black out in
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
