I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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