He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Randomize
