i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
