it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
should my penis look like a turkey
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
