I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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