her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
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