i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
