god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
This is the high leading the old right now
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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