remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
"it" just moved
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
