Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
