I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Randomize
